The Good, the Bad and the Ugly
Part two.
What I talked about in part one is pretty much all the good bits of my reunion.
I didn't want to frighten anyone off going through with their own reunion!
What I didn't mention is, as follows.
- My husband was not happy that my biological father, Bob, just turned up unannounced without being invited.
- I justified it by saying he is my own flesh and blood and should not need an invitation
- He had not booked a flight home and was vague about how long he wanted to stay for.
Another thing my hubby did not like was that we did not tell our children the truth about who he was. They were only 8 and 9 years of age at the time and they were very close to my adoptive parents, their grandparents. They would have let the cat out of the bag to them if we had told them he was my real father. My parents were elderly and did not need to know about my search as I knew them well, and also knew that they would be hurt and upset.
My husband at the time did not understand my loyalty to my parents, he is not that close to his own family, this put stress on the time that Bob was staying with us because my husband thought I should tell the kids the truth. Bob was agreeable to it and that's how it stayed.
Having Bob there put a big strain on my already strained marriage. Our marriage actually broke up completely some 6 months later and I'm sure that my husband thought it all came down to the fact that I'd found one of my biological parents. I think it was probably more a case of I finally felt that I'd found myself and gave me the confidence to get out of a bad marriage. Yes I think that I may have stayed married to him a lot longer if this event did not happen in my life.
Another thing that I found difficult during Bob's stay was that my husband was constantly telling me to 'get rid of him'. The way he was saying it made it sound like he wanted me to abort an unwanted pregnancy. I was torn.
He also hated the fact that he smoked too. He hated his choice in music and the fact that he went on and on about it, constantly reciting lyrics (I found this annoying too) Somehow I think that Bob thought it romantic or something.
Bob would stay up late at night after the others were in bed. He would want me to sit close beside him on the couch to watch telly. He would wrap his arms around me tightly and stroke me, my hair, my arm, my legs, when he got near my inner thighs I would get up and excuse myself. It all felt a bit too incestuous. Not only that, he was a biological stranger, it felt real odd. I put his behaviour down to the fact that he must have felt that he had now found his little baby that he thought he would never see again and he wanted to hold and cuddle her so that he would never lose her again. I felt uncomfortable and vowed never to be left alone with him again.
I didn't know anything of his financial position but he did say he got the money for the airfare to come to see me from the Salvation Army (a return flight would have cost about $400)
He never offered to contribute to the food bill. Even when I took him grocery shopping at the supermarket he would fill the trolley up with expensive treats, which I assumed he would pay for. But no, I was left to make the payment at the checkout!
Once when we took him on a day trip in the car, we stopped at a bakery for a pie and he paid for the three of us. That's the only time that he contributed.
My husband had some port that he keeps for special occasions. He offered Bob a nightcap one night. Well Bob sat up until he had drunk it all, much to my other halfs dismay. Get Rid of Him he told me the next morning.
Eventually after 3 weeks Bob decided it was time to fly home again. We happily took him to the airport!
The next day he telephoned me in tears. He missed me. Terribly. He was coming up with ideas how we could all move to Melbourne and live happily ever after. That's the last place any of us would want to live. It was so hard to hear this man talking like this.
Then he started writing me letters. Mournful letters of love, and many many quotes of lyrics from his favourite songs.
He said that as he had not worked for many years, that I had given him the incentive that he needed to find a job.
Bob answered an advert for an owner-driver courier. He would have to buy his own delivery van.
I had just got a job in a finance company and he rang and asked me if I would go guarantee for his loan. NO, I had been given the impression from things he had said when he stayed with us that he had been bankrupt in the past. Anyway, he had another daughter and 5 step-children that he had a brought up as his own . Why couldn't they help him out? I'd only known him for such a short time. Not like he was like my Dad who had given me everything through out my entire life, if he needed a hand I would not think twice about helping him. But in this situation, alarm bells were ringing. Theres no way my husband would have allowed me to anyway!! I made up some story that because I worked for a finance company it was unethical to guarantee someone a loan. That's not the truth but him and his wife Marg accepted that. Phew!
The pressure was also on for me to fly to Melbourne to meet my sister and step mother. I think he thought that I would see how great it was and then decide to move there permanently. I was also keen to meet my sister, another that shares a similar gene pool to me. So I booked a weekend trip on my own. Marg was lovely, we ended up getting along like a house on fire. They loved having me there and wanted to take me out and meet all their friends and relatives, My sister Anna was living at their house but she stayed most of the time in her room with her boyfriend smoking dope. Just great! She was really sweet when I did see her but I could sense there was no connection there, I suppose she had always been daddys girl, she had older step-sisters but she was really his only child until I came along and here they were making a big fuss of me.
They lived in a nice house in a nice suburb, quite a flash house really but it must have cost them a lot in rent. Marg worked part-time and Anna probably paid rent too. Bob had relied on a disability pension till then.
I had a good stay, it was easier than having him at my house, having to make allowances for him to my husband and children.
One thing that really put me off tho during the stay. Bob said he was taking me for a drive. He drove a hotted up bogan car with mag wheels. He took me down the freeway till we were almost onto the Mornington Peninsula. Then he turned around and stopped the car and walked around to my side. I asked what was going on, and he said to me "You can drive now", I didn't want to drive, I didn't know his car, it had one of those tiny racing steering wheels, I'd driven a car with one of them before and had trouble controlling the steering. I didn't know the roads here and I just didn't feel right about it. So he was upset about that but accepted it and off we went. THEN... He pulled into a service station and went to fill up with petrol. He told me that it was my turn to pay for the petrol. I was flabbergasted. Ok so they had fed me well during my stay, as I had done for him in the 3 weeks he spent at my house. But not once did I tell him he had to pay for petrol or treats at the supermarket or anything. I was starting to think that he was perhaps a bit of a sponge, a user. I had seen his type before.
I was glad to get on that plane home again after a 3 day stay.
Over the next few months I had a constant barrage of phone calls, him crying, saying he missed me etc etc. He seemed to be sinking into a deep depression. His letters to me certainly told me that may have been the case.
Bob found employment as a driver and the phone calls slowed up and his mood seemed to lift somewhat.
I left my husband the following year. I didn't want to ring and tell Bob until I had got myself settled. Trouble is he rang my ex asking to speak with me. He very nicely told Bob that I'd gone and that anyway, I didn't like him. He told my biological father that I did not like him!
Great. My ex also, as a way of trying to win points with my adoptive parents, told them about my search and reunion, adding that I didn't like my birth father when I met him. This was only his opinion. Bob was my flesh and blood and even though some of his actions freaked me out, I still made allowances for him. My adoptive parents never brought the subject up but the relationship with them was very strained for years to come. They were in their 80's by this time and did not need to have been told about this.
My ex told me that Bob had called and that he would get me to call him. I told him that I would be calling in my own good time. A few days later my ex got another phone call, this time from Marg, Bobs wife. She asked him to let me know that Bob was in hospital as he had a heart attack. Oh dear. When I called Marg I apologised for not phoning to let them know that I had left my husband, it was only a week ago but I was planning on calling as soon as I had got myself a place and had the phone connected.
Marg informed me that when Bob had initially rang my ex, he had said to him that I didn't like him. Well, that sure made me feel responsible for someone having a heart attack then. I was also sad that my poor adoptive parents were also sad about my marriage breaking up and that I had searched my birth family.
Bob soon bounced back after his heart attack but never worked again.
I met a lovely man and within a few years we married. Bob and Marg were always talking about coming to visit. I'd told my new hubby John all about him and showed him the letters Bob had sent me. So he had a pretty good idea why I didn't really want him coming to stay again . But, knowing the way that he just turned up the first time, we were always on tenterhooks that he might pull that trick again.
When John and I were on our honeymoon we went to visit Bob and Marg on our way home on our way thru Melbourne. We also visited another time a couple of years later. By calling in and visiting them, we thought that would stop any notion of them coming over to stay with us. It was just too hard with the children, they were at an age now where they would want to know who Bob was but I didn't want them to know that he was another grandparent, when they loved their other grandparents so much. I should have told them about my adoption at a younger age but I didn't think they'd be able to comprehend it all! Anyway, our short visits in Melbourne stopped Bob from suggesting that he come visit us. I was happy with that distance between us.
Then disaster struck. My elderly parents both passed on within a couple of years of each other. They were both in their 80's. Around the same time that my second adoptive parent passed away, I got a phone call to say that Marg had died. Oh no.
I sent flowers and my condolences but felt that I could not go over for her funeral. I also sent some money to help contribute to the funeral costs but it was never acknowledged.
A few weeks later, I got a phone call from Bob. He was saying that he was thinking of packing up and heading to Queensland. He reckoned he would live in his car. I offered some words of support. A few minutes after the call ended, he rang again. This time he said he wanted to move to Tasmania. I reminded him that he always said it was too cold to live back here. He said that I would find him a woman to keep him warm. I didn't know what to say to that..... And I didn't know how to say to him that I did not want him here. So I simply hung the phone up and diverted all my calls to my mobile phone. I didn't have caller ID on my phone in those days. I didn't know how to say to him, don't come, I don't want you here. The pressure it would put on my marriage and children would be enourmous. I knew that if I let him step foot in my house I would not have the heart to send him away. Best not to come in the first place. I was terrified, I could see the future and it was one of looking after him hand and foot just as Marg had done, he was needy emotionally and financially, it would have been a huge drain on us.
I was just coming to terms with the death of my parents, I also had a disabled relative that I cared for. Financially I was working too, as was my husband, but he paid child support to his ex for their children and after tax, he lost 60% of his income, not leaving much, I had no choice but to go to work too. I just could not have coped with Bob. All he could see was a loving daughter here who take care of him and give him a new life. His step-children did not seem to want anything to do with him. I felt sorry for Anna who had just lost her mother, but she was young and too busy leading her own life to understand.
Bob continually telephoned but I ignored his calls. I didn't know what to say to him. He would ring up to 15 times a day. This went on for over two months, until one day I had a visitor and she picked up the phone while I was outside getting something out of the garage. It was Bob. He told her to tell me that he was sorry if he said something to offend me, and that he was moving to Tasmania the NEXT DAY. I went into panic mode. Until now I had not faced up to my fears. I still didn't. John telephoned Anna and asked her to tell Bob not to come because I was not coping with my adoptive parents death very well. To tell the truth I had hardly a chance to deal with it when all this started. Anna said that Bob had sold up everything he owned and was on the boat the following evening (meaning he could be here in two days) She said that he was going to stay with his sister who lived about 2hrs drive away from us.
Anna must hate me for taking her father away from her right when her own mother had died. But I didn't. She must also hate me for making him unhappy which I am sure he must be.
To this day I have not spoken to him or even seen him. He has tried over the past 7 years to make contact. John has spoken to him as Bob has telephoned him at work a few times . John used to be a travelling rep for a company, Bob knew this, we found out several years later that Bob used to stake out the shop in the town he was living in that the company John worked for had a branch at. After quite some time he did not see John go to that shop so he approached one of the other reps. John had since changed to an Admin role and was based in the one place now. The other rep, not knowing the full story, told Bob the phone number to reach John on. We had since changed our phone number at home to a silent number.
John got a call at work from Bob. He told John to tell me that he has a nice place of his own now by the beach and gave him the address. John said that he would pass it on but he didn't know what I'd do with that information.
Another time I got a call from the HR department at work, they said that a man had gone into our branch in the town where Bob lives and asked them to pass on a message to me, he left his phone number and asked them to pass it on to me. I did not respond to the message.
A couple of months later I received a letter in the mail from him. I wasn't sure if he knew my address, I thought perhaps Marg took care of all that sort of thing and he had never been to my new house. In the letter he went on about letting by gones be by gones. Then there were pages of lyrics from his favourite songs. I ignored the letter. Then several months later I returned to work from a weeks holiday only to find an email from a collegue, saying she had taken a call from the local hospital, asking to speak to me. As I was not there that day, my collegue took a message for me to call the hospital and then sent it thru to me via email. I had just spent a week with my family, my children, now in their late teens were all fine, my cousins and aunts and uncles were all fine. Why would the hospital be trying to contact me. It could only be one person. It had been three years since we had any contact. Surely not. How could I find out? Was Bob in hospital, was he being discharged and did he need transport back to the country town in which he lived? The only way I could think of to find out if he was in hospital was to telephone the hospital switchboard and ask if he was still a patient there. When I rang they informed me that he had been discharged the day after the message had come through work from the ward sister. I contacted my work collegue to see if she had any more information and she said that she got the impression that the hospital was trying to organise transport for a patient.
Its possible that the nurse said to Bob, "Do you have any family we can call to take you home and look after you?" He most likely replied that he has a daughter that works for ABC Finance, so they've rung the number in the book which is routed thru a call centre to my office.
It was hard not knowing what was wrong, why he was hospitalised, but the only way I could find out was to make contact with him. And I knew that by doing so meant that it would have been inviting him into our lives. As I said, it would have caused insurmountable strain on my marriage and my children. Emotionally and financially. We were only just starting to get back on our feet financially as it was. I was also caring for a disabled relative who I worried about constantly on top of everything else.
My job was unbelievably stressfull and along with everything else that was happening I ended up having panic attacks and had to give up work.
Bob next contacted John at his work by phone to say the he had moved recently to a town only half an hour away from us. This once again had my looking over my shoulder everywhere I went!! Around the time that Bob moved here we took up an interest in camping on the coast and spent almost every weekend away from home. We were never home much, only to sleep during the working week then away camping on weekends.
Then John got a promotion with his work which meant that we had to move away to a remote area, some five hours drive from where we were living. We spent a year there then another promotion took us once again to the other side of the state, this time for 10 months. I felt really settled in this little town and got a great job working for the municipal council. A few months later, John got another promotion. It was to the town that Bob had said that he had moved to. There was no way that I was moving to a town of 8,000 people where Bob now resided. John went off to work there, I was hoping that he might be able to get transferred back to where I was working in a short time, so I stayed behind. This was the first time we had been seperated since we got together 10 years before. As it turns out John loves his new position and my contract with the council was up for renewal, so there were serious decisions to be made.
John was working in a very public position at the new town. If Bob was still in the area, he would have run into John very quickly. John asked around about Bob and everyone he spoke to said, yes they remember Bob, he was a real nuisance they said, but they thought that he had left town and gone back to where he had come from.
I ended up resigning my job and moving to be with John again. The unit that Bob was living in appears to be empty. But I don't know where he has gone or what has happened to him. Its so sad that things have turned out this way but if he was not so needy emotionally perhaps things would have been different. We lived in different worlds.
Another thing that perhaps influenced Bob's emotional well being was the fact that in his younger days he was involved in a serious car accident. He still has scars on his head and body from the accident. I wonder if he didn't possibly have some head injuries from that accident? His speech is certainly slow, almost like someone who has had a stroke. He also seems quite child-like in his thinking and behaviour. Its sad to think that he has other children who he brought up and provided for, who don't give him the time of day anymore. I know, I find him hard to handle, but, then he is really a biological stranger to me, we don't have that shared past. I know without a doubt that if my father (the one who brought me up and provided for me) was in need I would be there by his side in a flash, no question.
I just didn't feel that I could take on Bob. Bob who I felt touched me inappropriately, and who seemed to sponge off me from the word go. Who came between me and my spouse and children. I question myself a lot over this, have I done the wrong thing by not allowing him into my life?
***************
Another thing, because of Bob's actions, I don't think that I will ever have contact with my birthmother.
- When I spoke to one of her relatives, the relative told me that my mother had never told a soul about being sent away to have and adopt out her first little baby when she was 17.
My birthmothers family were all catholic. I was raised in a very very catholic family and I have seen the shame and disgrace that pregnancy outside marriage brings upon the family (back in the 60's and 70's) I can only imagine the shame that her mother made her feel. And then to be told to forget about the baby and never to speak of it again. With no counselling, the birth mother would have just stashed her feelings away and never had the chance to deal with them properly. To bring out those feelings again would be quite frightening. Would people again make you feel ashamed and like a piece of dirt. My birth mother was from a tiny little town with narrow minded attitudes, so that is quite possibly a reality.
She did not want to have contact with me because she was afraid that her friends and relatives would find out what she had done all those years ago. I guess she just didn't feel that she could deal with peoples attitudes.
I respected her wishes for no contact. I had prepared myself for that outcome. (I had certainly not prepared myself for the outcome of the full-on father-daughter thing that Bob had wanted tho)!
I left my biological mother alone, in the hope that one day, she would change her mind.
The relative that I spoke to told me that she was terrified of her husband finding out her secret. That was sad to hear. I thought that perhaps one day, she might wish to make contact.
I was also told that she had married three times. She had children with all three husbands. I have a total of six brothers and sisters on that side of the family. I don't know anything about them. It makes me wonder, after what I have been through with Bob, do I really want to get involved with another family? I have friends who even now are just making contact with their biological family and most of them have found supportive and genuine people and have formed great relationships with them. I would love to have that.
- The reason that I think Bob has spoilt my chance of having a relationship with my birth mother is that he went behind my back and contacted her, after I had asked him not to.
Goodness knows how he went about it and if anyone else close to her found out anything, but she told him No.
Still several years after that he again contacted her. She told him not to contact her again, and to tell me to stop ringing up down there. I have no idea what she meant by that.
When my friend made the initial contact at the very start of my search, she spoke with her ex sister-in-law, who put her in touch with her niece who was supposed to be close to my mother. She relayed info between my friend and my mother, then told her to let me know that I could phone her (the niece) Which I did, once only. So I don't know if that is what she meant by telling me to stop ringing?
When I did ring the niece, the first thing she said to me after I told her who I was, was "Well what do you want to know"?
That was not why I was ringing. I was hoping to get to know one of my relatives. She was not really forthcoming with much information, I would have loved to offer to send her some photos etc, but I didn't feel that sort of connection with her so felt that I could not be very giving of information as I felt that she was holding too much back.
So where to now? I don't know where my birth father is now or if he is still alive. I have followed my birthmother through electrol rolls as she has moved. I have driven past her house, hoping she may be outside doing some gardening and I can just have a look. I would love to see what she looks like! If she is like me, she is not much of a gardener, so theres probably a slim chance of seeing her in the garden anyway!!! I would like to get to know who my relatives are. I would like to know any medical history on her side of the family. Is she still with her husband. Has she told her children about me? I don't know if I will ever know.
++++++++++++++++++ a bit about Bob's background ........
Bob was conceived in Greece. At the time of first making contact with him, I was married to a young second generation Greek man. We thought our children were half Greek! When the lady from Jigsaw told Bob my name he was curious as to the nationality of my surname. He didn't say why he was curious and the lady told me he had asked but didn't know why. Certainly his name was not Greek, far from it!!
Well, its a long story. Bobs mother Joan had been on holiday when she was 20, just after the war. She spent some time in Greece just before returning to Australia. When she got home, she found out that she was pregnant and didn't even know how to contact the father of her baby in Greece. She hid her pregnancy from her family. She was a career girl, about to go into teaching. Her elder sister had been married for a year but did not have any children yet. They came up with a plan, that when she was to have the baby she would go into hospital under her sisters name, have the baby and then hand it to her sister and brother in law to bring up as their own. This plan went ahead without a hitch. Joan spent her final weeks of pregnancy at the Salvation army home for unwed mothers. They delivered her baby and then let her take him home. This was in the days before the Australian Governments push to have illegitimate babies adopted out. As soon as Joan got out of the home, she gave Bob to Lena and Jack to bring up as their own, which they did.
Lena and Jack went on to have three children of their own. All little blonde haired blue eyed children. Bob grew up not realising that his aunty Joan was really his mum. By the time he was 9 years old he started asking his parents why he was so dark skinned, dark hair and really dark brown eyes, when the rest of the family were so fair. They did not tell him the truth until he was 14 yrs old. Bob left school and went to work on a farm when he was 14. He met my birthmum when he was 17. Around this time he also started to build up a relationship with his natural mother, who had since remarried and had a young family. Then tragedy struck, Joan died of a brain heamorrage, leaving a distraught husband and several young children. Bob did what he could to help, but not long after, they discovered that I was on the way. Bob said he was pleased to hear that he was to become a father. But then my biological mother vanished and her mother would not tell Bob where she had gone.
He did not realise that she had been sent to the other side of the state to give birth to me and adopt me out.
Somehow my birthmother got someone to send Bob a telegram to inform him of my arrival. She also put the address that she was staying at on the telegram. Bob got a friend to drive him to this address. He said that she was sitting on the couch in a daze (probably drugged)? She told him that she had left me at the hospital. The thought of adoption had never crossed Bob's mind for a second. He just thought he would go down to that hospital and see his little baby. When he got there, he was screamed at by the matron, 'You've got no rights, get out of here'.
It was on the way home that night that Bob was involved in that really bad accident which I think impairs his judgement to this day.
I'm very sad about it all.